she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
