some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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