Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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