she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize