Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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