she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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