The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
