The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
