you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
