what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
