I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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