Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
