Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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