the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
