At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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