i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
