Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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