he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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