if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
