You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
