there's paper in my vomit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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