how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
