I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
