I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
