so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
