You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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