well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
