The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ok first of all what the fuck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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