Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
