Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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