I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
