I bet he comes in French.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
