this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have already put on my inside pants.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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