How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
