There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
