how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
