My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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