My friends, they love my intelligence
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
