I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
