dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
