I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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