Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
