$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
