I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
