Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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