You smell like a Billy Joel song
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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