I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
