Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
