My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
