I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
