We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
