I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
