the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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