Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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