I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Shame - the story of my life.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
