omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
