The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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