you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
