don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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