Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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