Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Randomize
