the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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