Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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