did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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