she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I did not marry a roomba.
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