the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize