The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
