I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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