So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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