found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
