I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
