my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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