had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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