Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So apparently I’m into choking now
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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