I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
